Pulp Fanfiction
by Stefan Twoflower Gagne
Summary: Ryouga gets lost. Like, really lost. A story across various fanfic-esque deviations from the Ranma norm.


Ranma 1/2 : Pulp Fanfiction  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own arms to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
WHY I WROTE THIS : I liked the title. (The story doesn't  
have much to do with it other than a few similar scenes, but  
hey.)  
  
MORE ON WHY I WROTE THIS : One trend I've noticed in Ranma  
fanfiction is the 'Let's Pair Everybody Up and End the Series'  
concept. Most of the material I've read does this. This little  
number is a tribute to that.  
  
It's a celebration of Ranma fanfic, how we bend the universe  
to our whims while trying to work from inside it, and how the two  
often conflict and cause problems. It also has a rather  
interesting binding plot which explains a few things about why  
Ryouga is what he is. I've taken some liberties in that respect,  
but that's what this story is about; total liberty from the  
established line.  
  
This story is not as cool or IC as March of the Pigs in my  
opinion, but I felt like writing it anyway, since it was an  
intriguing idea that HAD to be done.  
  
-=-  
  
"See, part of the problem is that we're stalking people near  
Furinkan," the gang leader said, stirring his coffee. "Everybody  
knows that Ms. Hinako will kick your ass all over the map if she  
catches you shaking the students down there. Location, location,  
location. If we want to get some side money, we don't look for  
it at school."  
  
"Where, then?" one of the gang members asked. "I mean, we  
can't stalk the streets either. Remember that guy who YOU  
claimed would be a total wimp? The one in the white robes with  
the glasses? I just LOVED untangling sixty pounds of chains.   
Then there was the 'defenseless delivery girl' who broke Jiho's  
nose and threw you through a wall. Plus the stuck up private  
school chick with the ribbon that--"  
  
"Did I say stalk streets?" the leader interjected. "Did  
ever in my monologue I ever even have an inkling of mentioning  
the streets? No! Don't jump to conclusions. We need to try a  
new location. Somewhere with a lot of students and no defenses.   
Some place not expecting to be robbed."  
  
"Namely?" the other gang member asked.  
  
"Oh, I don't know. Restaurants. How about this one?"  
  
The member looked around. The restaurant was certainly  
packed, as it usually was during Furinkan's open lunch hour. It  
did a booming business, and Ms. Hinako was nowhere in sight, nor  
any of the other crazies they had met along the way.  
  
"What, you mean pull on the animal masks here and go for  
it?" the gang member asked. "Sounds... actually, not that bad.   
But there're a lot of people here, compared to the two of us.   
Jiho's still in the hospital, you know, from that short haired  
girl with the big hammer--"  
  
"Martial arts," the leader said. "Look, everybody and their  
dog at Furinkan knows martial arts. We just strike some poses  
and claim to know some exotic fighting skill and everybody'll  
panic and hand over their wallets. Not that hard."  
  
"Alright, I'll give it a go," the other gang guy said,  
finishing his chocolate milk. "Masks on."  
  
The leader nodded, and fished his cheesy party mask from his  
school bag, slapping it on. He jumped on the table.  
  
"ALRIGHT, everybody, this is a robbery!" he shouted, making  
exaggerated arm motions with 1.5 arms. "Hand over all your money  
or I'll have to unleash the terror of my, umm, Raging Hellfire  
Demon Martial Arts Attack Skill!"  
  
"Yeah! Nobody move or I'll go martial all over you too!"  
the other said, making an experimental kick in the air, knocking  
over a potted plant.  
  
*  
  
QUENTIN TAKAHASHI PRESENTS...   
__________  
|PULP |  
|FANFICTION|  
`----------'  
  
Ryouga stumbled down the street. How long had it been since  
he last ate? Six days? Seven days? Five minutes? He couldn't  
recall, through the haze of locations, sights and sounds he had  
experienced over the week long journey.  
  
He glanced at a nearby restaurant, stomach rumbling. He  
couldn't buy anything, but at least he could ask for directions.   
He opened the door.  
  
"WHERE IS FURINKAN HIGH SCHOOL?" he demanded before a  
battered gangster flew out the doorframe over his head.  
  
"And STAY OUT!" Ukyou shouted after him, leaning past Ryouga  
to hurl a hail of utensils at the gangster. Spatulas embedded  
themselves in the wall (which was solid concrete), as the  
gangster dragged his previously tossed out friend away with him,  
screaming.  
  
"Oh, hello," Ryouga said, waving. "How can I get to school  
from here?"  
  
"Ryouga... I haven't seen you in... you want to destroy Ran-  
chan's happiness, right?" Ukyou asked.  
  
"Well, in the long run yes, but specifically at this  
moment... no," Ryouga said. "I was looking for Akane."  
  
Ukyou's face fell. "Ryouga, I know it's been awhile, but I  
think you should have accepted that by now," she said.  
  
"Accepted what?" Ryouga asked, confused.  
  
"If you ever want to talk about it, just let me know," Ukyou  
said. "In the meantime, you look like you've lost a few pounds.   
Want a free meal? It probably would help."  
  
"I guess," Ryouga said. "Could you direct me to the school  
after?"  
  
"If you still want to go," Ukyou nodded, grabbing Ryouga's  
hand and leading him to a table, in case he accidentally wandered  
into the women's room looking for one himself. "Mousse, two  
orders, please!"  
  
The four-eyed chinese boy popped up from behind the counter,  
apron tied over his traditional white outfit. "Two of the  
special, or two of the regular?"  
  
"Special would be nice," Ukyou replied. Mousse nodded and  
started cooking."  
  
"Umm... since when did Mousse work here?" Ryouga asked,  
sitting down.  
  
"Since always, silly," Ukyou smiled. "Come on, you  
remember. I'm having him make them the way you like them, my  
treat. Don't worry about paying. Heck, you and the rest of my  
friends freeload all the time."  
  
Ryouga nodded. "I will pay that tab one of these days, you  
realize."  
  
"Anytime," Ukyou said.  
  
"Isn't Mousse working at Nekohanten?" Ryouga asked, opening  
his menu and examining it out of instinct. (Today's menu :  
okonomiyaki, okonomiyaki, okonomiyaki, okonomiyaki, fries.)  
  
"Of course not. He hasn't worked there in awhile, Ryouga.   
Remember?"  
  
"No, I don't," Ryouga noted, brow furrowing. "How long have  
I been gone from Tokyo, anyway?"  
  
"Not sure. If you missed it, here's what happened. I  
caught Shampoo trying to deliver some more love-potion tainted  
noodles over to the Tendo's..."  
  
"Here you go," Mousse said, sliding two dishes across the  
table along with Cold Beverages. "Gotta get back to work. Talk  
to you later, hon." He promptly left, silent as a bird in  
flight.  
  
"So anyway. I found out ahead of time (after paying Nabiki  
for the info), and went to swap some of my food with hers.   
Shampoo noticed and we kind of got into a fight. Ranma came out,  
tried to break it up, Mousse shows up to hurt Ranma, a big brawl  
ensued and Mousse really got his clock cleaned. Since I had  
gotten rid of the noodles, I figured my mission was accomplished  
and I dragged Mousse back to Nekohanten. I started looking out  
for him more each day, and well... things happened."  
  
"Whoa. Hold it. You mean you and he are... umm..." Ryouga  
started, looking for the correct word while tugging at his soda.  
  
"Engaged!" Ukyou beamed, flashing her ring at Ryouga before  
he violently choked on the soda.  
  
"Gaah," Ryouga offered in congratulations, clutching at his  
throat and making gurgling noises. He gulped, swallowing down  
whatever had come up, and took a breath. "ENGAGED?"  
  
"Yeah. Silly, isn't it? I mean, well, Ran-chan and I will  
still be friends, but Mousse is... sweet. He's so loveable and  
nice and a little bit naive, but I kind of like that..."  
  
"I never would have figured," Ryouga said. "Never in a  
million years. I mean... well... in all the time I've been  
passing through Tokyo... you and MOUSSE?..."  
  
"Don't act so surprised," Ukyou said. "It was bound to  
happen. I guess Shampoo has a clear shot in the bridal war now  
that I'm out of it."  
  
"Clear shot?" Ryouga asked, wiping his mouth. "You mean...  
Ranma and Akane broke up? Akane's free?!"  
  
Ukyou's smile waned. "Umm. Ryouga, maybe you've been  
walking around in the sun too long..."  
  
"I'd better get to school! Now's my chance!" Ryouga  
grinned, glowing with joy. "Thanks!"  
  
"But--"  
  
Ryouga was already out the door before Ukyou could tell him.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga skipped along the road to school, happy as a clam.   
He had a shot! Shampoo had hers, now he had his. So much had  
changed in the time he was gone! Changed for the better, he  
smiled to himself. Akane, Akane, oh the beauty known as Akane, I  
cometh...  
  
Ugh, Ryouga groaned, I'm starting to sound like Kunou.   
Ryouga shook his head and continued walking.  
  
"Ranma eat special Ramen!" a voice from Ryouga's left  
demanded, along with some choking sounds.  
  
"Ugh! It looks awful!" Ranma said. "All purple. What'd  
you put on it this time?"  
  
"Special spice. GOOD spice!" Shampoo said. "Eat up before  
it go cold!"  
  
"Hey, Ranma!" Ryouga smiled, waving. Ranma blinked at the  
sudden change in attitude in his blood enemy, and Shampoo managed  
to stuff a heaping spoonful of the food into Ranma's mouth.  
  
"Mppggg!" Ranma greeted, swallowing. "Ryouga! How's it  
hanging?"  
  
"Pretty good!" Ryouga said. "I haven't felt better in  
years. And you?"  
  
"Wow," Ranma said, examining his hand. "Colors..."  
  
Shampoo examined her noodles. "Maybe Shampoo put too much  
happiness spice on this. Ranma seem tripping light fantastic,  
no? Shampoo go get antidote. Ryouga, you take care Ranma until  
Shampoo get back, ya?"  
  
"Okay," Ryouga said, walking over. Shampoo hopped on her  
bicycle and pedalled away, specks of spice floating on the winds  
and making several pedestrians see glowing omniscient turnips the  
shape of Harvey Kietel.  
  
"I love you, man," Ranma said.  
  
"Ranma, buddy, I'm feeling especially friendly today, but  
don't push it," Ryouga said. "We're still enemies, I'm just too  
joyful today to crush your happiness."  
  
"Oh, okay," Ranma nodded, head rolling. "Wow. I guess  
Shampoo really got me this time. She's been getting worse, now  
that she's my only suitor. Everyday she has some new condiment  
of doom to try on me to get me to marry her. Last one had me  
raving and foaming for days. Awful, isn't it?"  
  
"I feel for you," Ryouga said. "Where's Akane, by the way?   
I'd like to go talk to her."  
  
"Okay, I'll take you to her," Ranma said, wobbling on his  
feet. "I know where she is."  
  
Ryouga nodded, and followed the slightly woozy Saotome down  
the street. Life could not get much better! What would he say  
to Akane? Will you be mine, my evertrue love? No, that'd be...  
improper. Wanna date? Too forward. Maybe he'd just kiss her --  
NO, way too forward. How about...  
  
*  
  
"Here we are," Ranma said, pointing in a sixty degree arc,  
covering quite a bit of the landscape in his scope. "She's  
here."  
  
Ryouga looked around. "Where? I don't see her."  
  
"Right here," Ranma said, pointing to a stone embedded in  
the ground. "Lot 2, Nerima community graveyard."  
  
"I still can't see her."  
  
"No, I mean HERE," Ranma said, squatting down next to a  
nearby gravestone. "Akane Tendo, dead at age 17. I can still  
remember the funeral."  
  
"DEAD?!" Ryouga screamed. "Ranma, don't play jokes!"  
  
"Hey, I'm not joking," Ranma said. "I'd normally be bawling  
my head off if it wasn't for Shampoo's happy meal. Oh, the pain.   
Heh."  
  
"Then... when Ukyou said Shampoo had a clear shot..."  
  
"She meant it," Ranma said. "Life's a living hell having to  
deal with Shampoo every day. Dad wants to engage me to Nabiki  
now that Akane kicked the bucket--"  
  
"KICKED THE BUCKET?" Ryouga exclaimed. "How can you TALK  
about her like this? It's... so..."  
  
"Heartless?" Ranma asked. "Sorry man, I'm too tripped for  
proper grief. Ryouga, you were THERE for the funeral. We had to  
have Cologne put a ki-dampener on you or you'd fry the entire  
procession in your depression. You ran off delirious, and turned  
up today."  
  
"No, whoa, wait, none of that happened," Ryouga said. "I've  
been gone for a week, MAX. I certainly don't remember any  
funeral. Akane didn't die."  
  
"Maybe you're in denial. It's common."  
  
"I don't believe this," Ryouga said. "No, it's impossible.   
None of this can be happening. Ranma, pinch me."  
  
Ranma pinched him. Ryouga did not wince.  
  
"I don't think you're dreaming," Ranma said. "If you were,  
then I'd be a figment, but I don't FEEL life a figment so it  
could only be that you're a figment of my imagination, probably a  
hallucination from Shampoo's--"  
  
"Shut up," Ryouga said, without his usual enthusiasm for the  
phrase. "Umm. Okay. If this isn't real, then... maybe I can...  
er... How'd Akane supposedly die?"  
  
"Volcano," Ranma said.  
  
"Volcano!?"  
  
"Weirdest thing. A volcano popped up under Furinkan's gym  
during Akane's gym class. Got most of the team and the principal  
too... the news interrupted Kasumi and Dr. Tofu's wedding..."  
  
"When did THEY get married?!"  
  
"When Akane died. Aren't you listening, Ryouga?"  
  
Ryouga's head was spinning. How could any of this be  
happening? Had he really been gone that long, and forgotten all  
of this? What was wrong with him? Could Akane really be dead?  
  
"Ranma... if you could take me to the clinic..." Ryouga  
asked. "I don't think I feel so good."  
  
Ryouga blacked out.  
  
*  
  
"I think he's coming to," a female voice said from beyond  
Ryouga's blurred vision. "Ryouga-kun, are you alright?"  
  
"Huh?" Ryouga asked, trying to sit up. Some force pushed  
him back down.  
  
"It's best that you don't move," Kasumi said, Ryouga's  
vision clearing up enough to see who was here.  
  
"K-Kasumi?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"That's Nurse Tendo to you," Ryouga said. "I do have a  
degree, you know. Doctor Tofu took some X-Rays, and will be  
right back with them. I've got to go look after Ranma."  
  
"Did Ranma bring me here?" Ryouga asked, examining the pale  
figure on the other bed.  
  
"Yes. He wasn't looking very good himself, so I had him lie  
down as well," Kasumi said. "I think he might have overdosed on  
something. I didn't know he did drugs."  
  
"He doesn't," Ryouga said.  
  
"Shampoo?" Kasumi concluded. "That girl might very well be  
the death of him if she doesn't ease up on the tainted love.   
Poor Ranma. This and Akane are just too much for him..."  
  
"Is Akane really dead?" Ryouga asked. "I can't recall  
anything about it, but I don't know if I can trust my memory..."  
  
"Your memory should be fine, as far as I can tell," Doctor  
Tofu said, walking out of his office with an opaque sheet in his  
hand. "Your head seems physically alright. I tried taking your  
bandanna off to get a clearer picture, but there was just another  
one under it... and one under that... I don't think that  
interfered with the shot, though."  
  
"So if I'm fine, why don't I remember any of this?" Ryouga  
asked. "Akane dead, Ranma doped, Shampoo on the prowl and Ukyou  
hitched to Mousse and you two? When did any of this happen?"  
  
"You were around for it," the doctor said, adjusting his  
glasses. Ryouga examined the lenses.  
  
"Doc, umm... from what Ranma told me once, don't your  
glasses fog up whenever Kasumi's around?"  
  
Kasumi blinked. "Huh?"  
  
"No, of course not," Tofu said. "Why would they?"  
  
"Something is very, very wrong," Ryouga groaned, lying down.  
  
A series of spastic coughs and wheezes erupted from the  
other bed, as Ranma's figure jerked around. Kasumi quickly tried  
to restrain him, examining the strange color to his face.  
  
"I think the overdose is starting to kick in," Kasumi said.  
  
"I'll go get a shot," Tofu nodded, darting noiselessly into  
his office and back again. "This has to go right into the heart.   
Kasumi, we'll have to hold him still."  
  
"I don't think I can..." Kasumi said, unable to keep Ranma's  
bucking and spasming body restrained.  
  
Ryouga grumbled, slumped out of bed and pushed a finger  
against Ranma's chest, pinning him down instantly. Ranma never  
was stronger than me, drugged or no, Ryouga thought. "Okay,  
now."  
  
THUNK went the shot, and Ranma sat bolt upright, needle  
jutting out of his shirt like an arrow through the head gag.   
"WHAOOAOAOA... uh... Ryouga?"  
  
"You're fine, Saotome," Ryouga said. "Sheesh. Put up a  
little more of a fight next time Shampoo's around. I've never  
seen you more wimpy."  
  
"Hey, who you callin' a wi..." Ranma started, before  
collapsing back into bed.  
  
"Sedative," Tofu said, slipping a second needle out of  
Ranma's hand where he had secretly injected it. "Thank you,  
Ryouga-kun."  
  
"No problem," Ryouga said, grabbing his backpack and walking  
for the door.  
  
"Hey, you're not allowed out of bed!" Kasumi called after  
him. "You suffered trauma!"  
  
"I think I've suffered enough," Ryouga called back, making  
his way down the street, straight as an arrow. He knew where he  
wanted to go.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga stomped into Nekohanten, pushing the swinging doors  
aside. Fairly empty, from what he could see... just Shampoo,  
doing Mousse's old job of wiping down tables.  
  
"Welcome to--" Shampoo started, looking up from her work.   
"Oh, it you. Why you no with Ranma when I return?"  
  
"I took him to the hospital," Ryouga said, figuring the  
other way around just didn't sound right. "Lucky for YOU I did.   
That spice you gave him nearly killed him."  
  
"Hmph. Ranma strong. Shampoo no kill him," Shampoo  
protested, folding her arms.  
  
"Whatever," Ryouga dismissed. "Where's your great  
grandmother? I came to see her, not you."  
  
"Finally come to settle your tab, boy?" Cologne called from  
the kitchen, hopping her way out to the counter area. "It is  
about time, since you ran out on your last meal."  
  
"Not that," Ryouga said. "I think there's either something  
wrong with me, or with the rest of the universe. I need your  
help."  
  
*  
  
"Hmmm," Cologne said, examining Ryouga intently. "I think I  
see what you mean."  
  
"What do I mean?" Ryouga asked, getting up from the cook's  
stool.  
  
"Your aura is maligned," Cologne said. "Physically you are  
fit, but you do not seem to BELONG here. Almost as if you  
wandered into a time slip of sorts."  
  
"I've been away for a long time, supposedly," Ryouga said.   
"But that doesn't take into account my memory gap."  
  
"It may be more than a time slip," Cologne said. "If you  
wandered into one by accident, you could have ended up in a  
parallel world."  
  
"That's ridiculous," Ryouga dismissed.  
  
"So is a boy who changes into a pig in water, carries a one  
ton umbrella and an infinite supply of razor sharp bandannas."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"It is truth," Cologne said. "We seldom declare what we do  
not understand silly and meaningless. Boy, if I say you fell  
into a time slip, you fell into a time slip. GOT IT?"  
  
"Yes ma'am!" Ryouga barked. "I mean, yes. Yes."  
  
"Good," Cologne said, narrowing her eyes. "Then you simply  
must find this time slip and send yourself back where you belong,  
in a world where Akane is alive, Mousse is still chasing my great  
grand-daughter and the others are as you remember them.   
However... something does puzzle me."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Usually, time slips that do more than time transport are  
more drastic," Cologne said. "For instance, a universe where  
EVERYTHING is wrong, or one key thing is wrong that sets off a  
chain reaction. Time slips usually do not change specific  
items."  
  
"So if it isn't a time slip, what is it?" Ryouga asked,  
trying his best to follow the conversation.  
  
"There may be a link I cannot yet see," Cologne said. "I  
shall figure it out eventually. Until then, I suggest that you  
retrace your steps and see if that takes you back to a world you  
remember."  
  
Ryouga went pale. "Retrace... my steps?"  
  
"Oh. I forgot. Hmm. That could make things a little  
trickier," Cologne said. "Where do you remember going while you  
were away?"  
  
"I'm fairly sure I was in Okinawa at one point," Ryouga  
said. "And this place with a lot of cabbage... then I was in a  
city near a large monument shaped like a crayon... a few farms...  
some town in Hokkaido... then near this strange city where it  
rains a lot, they drink something called latte and play guitar."  
  
"What?" Cologne asked.  
  
"I don't know, I didn't ask what the town's name was,"  
Ryouga shrugged. "Sorry."  
  
Cologne considered this. "How did you find your way here?"  
  
"I walked," Ryouga said. "I walked over here, since you  
were the only person I knew who knew magic other than Happosai."  
  
"But how did you find your way?"  
  
"I found it," Ryouga said. "I don't know, these things  
happen. Why?"  
  
"Possibly a piece to the puzzle," Cologne said. "If you  
could, please have great grand-daughter come in here. I'd like a  
control group for a little experiment."  
  
Ryouga nodded, and pushed aside the head-level curtain to  
the kitchen entrance. Funny, Nekohanten had gotten quite a few  
customers in the last five minutes. A full house, actually.  
  
"Order up!" Shampoo shouted, tossing six bowls of hot ramen  
at Ryouga. He yelped and tried to catch all of them, managing to  
snag five out of the air, letting the last one crash behind him  
against a wall.  
  
"Stupid Ryouga!" Shampoo scolded. "Sloth could have caught  
sixth bowl! That come out of your paycheck."  
  
"Hey, I don't work here," Ryouga said, setting down the  
bowls.  
  
"You quit?" Shampoo asked.  
  
"I *never* worked here," Ryouga reminded her.  
  
"Fine, you be that way," Shampoo said. "Get out of  
restaurant!"  
  
"Huh?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"You no want to work here anymore, you get lost! Have fun  
trying to find new job, Ryouga," Shampoo said. "Ukyou not going  
to be happy about this."  
  
"You're not making any sense, Shampoo!" Ryouga complained  
before the cold water soared in his direction, drenching him to  
the fur. P-Chan shook out, wet and confused, a towering chinese  
girl with an attitude looming over him.  
  
"You leave or you become main dish!" she ordered.  
  
P-Chan didn't need much more explanation than that. He  
quickly vowed vengeance for a later date and scampered out of the  
restaurant, between the legs of customers.  
  
*  
  
Ukyou stepped through the door to her sparsely furnished,  
sub-economy apartment, and nudged it shut with her foot. She  
kept P-Chan cradled in her arms, and walked into the bedroom.  
  
She opened a drawer and pulled out a familiar looking yellow  
and black outfit, sitting P-Chan on the ground near it. A minute  
later she returned with the teapot.  
  
"You're lucky I found you wandering the streets, Ryouga.   
Shampoo hassling you again?" Ukyou asked, pouring. Ryouga  
scrambled for cover, grabbing the clothes offered as a shield.  
  
"My, you're jumpy today," Ukyou smiled.  
  
"Look away, please," Ryouga begged, pulling on his clothes  
as fast as possible.  
  
"Come on, Ryouga-kun, you don't have anything I haven't seen  
before," Ukyou laughed. "So how was work?"  
  
"What work?" Ryouga asked, pulling the shirt over his  
bandanna-clad head.  
  
"You know, your work. THE work," she said. "The only  
work."  
  
"Oh. That. I think I got fired."  
  
"FIRED?!" Ukyou blurted, in shock. "But... it was our only  
source of income! How could you get fired?"  
  
"I missed a bowl?" Ryouga guessed.  
  
"It's all Shampoo's fault!" Ukyou sobbed, as Ryouga noticed  
that she was in fact crying. "Working you to the bone just to  
get at me... and now firing you over a minor slip-up."  
  
"Hey... whoa... it's alright..." Ryouga said, pulling one of  
his bandannas off for her to use as a hanky.  
  
"It's okay, I guess," Ukyou said. "We can find you work  
somewhere, I suppose."  
  
"Umm, Ukyou?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Yes, Ryouga-kun?"  
  
"Do I live here?"  
  
*  
  
"You don't remember?" Ukyou asked, putting the fresh  
okonomiyaki in front of him. "Eat up, by the way. You're the  
only person I cook for, might as well enjoy."  
  
Ryouga nodded, taking a bite. It was especially good,  
beyond the Special. "No, I don't remember. I was talking to  
Cologne about a time slip, or something like that, and then I was  
dodging bowls."  
  
"How'd you manage that?" Ukyou asked. "Isn't Cologne dead?"  
  
"Of course not," Ryouga said.  
  
"Of course yes," Ukyou refuted. "Don't you remember? When  
she died, Shampoo got pretty militant about the fiancee business.   
She said she didn't want to let her great grandmother down. She  
managed to drive Ucchan's out of business and keep me from  
getting another cooking job with her underground legitimate  
businessmen connections."  
  
"So that's why I'm working?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Exactly. I had to sell my spatulas just to buy this hole  
in the wall. I can't do anything other than cook, Ryouga-kun.   
Whereas you have many talents," she joked, wandering over and  
pinching him on the bottom.  
  
"OW! Hey!"  
  
"Not in a playful mood, huh?" Ukyou asked. "I can  
understand, after Shampoo humiliated you like that."  
  
"Why do I live here?" he asked.  
  
Ukyou paused. "This is why, silly," she said, flashing him  
a wedding ring. "'To Ucchan from Ryouga-kun with Love Eternal',  
engraved. Really hard to read the little letters, but it's the  
thought that counts. Don't you remember? You felt sorry for me  
after Ranma dumped me, and we sort of... well... fell. For each  
other, I mean."  
  
"What about Akane?" Ryouga asked, dumbfounded.  
  
"What about her? She's married to Ranma now."  
  
Ryouga wasn't chewing at the moment, which is good, because  
he imploded. "MARRIED?"  
  
"Don't you remember?"  
  
"Time slip," Ryouga repeated. "I must have fallen into it  
again... could it be at Nekohanten?"  
  
"What's a time slip?" Ukyou asked.  
  
"Follow me," Ryouga said, grabbing Ukyou by the arm and  
running out of the apartment.  
  
*  
  
"What you doing here again?" Shampoo asked, pointing an  
accusatory fork at Ryouga as he ran pell-mell into the  
restaurant. "And you bring HER too?"  
  
"It's got to be here somewhere," Ryouga said, poking around  
the restaurant door. "I was walking through here when everything  
changed again... if I walk back through..."  
  
"Whoa, slow down," Ukyou requested, wiggling her hand from  
his grip. "What are you talking about."  
  
"And through!" Ryouga said proudly as he went through the  
door. He turned around. "Ukyou, are we married?"  
  
"Yes!" Ukyou said.  
  
Ryouga blinked. Maybe it had to be the same direction as  
well. He walked out of the kitchen.  
  
"How about now?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Still married. Ryouga, what are you doing?"  
  
"It can't be! There's GOT to be a time slip here!" Ryouga  
said, darting in and out of the door until Shampoo clocked him on  
the back of the head with a frying pan.  
  
"Not paying for food, not staying," Shampoo said. "You take  
your no talent wife and go, ex-waiter."  
  
"No talent?!" Ukyou humphed. "If it wasn't for your yakuza  
goons, I'd still be working in this town and cooking circles  
around you!"  
  
"Hack chef," Shampoo stated, narrowing her eyes at her  
rival.  
  
"Noodle noggin!" Ukyou countered, fuming.  
  
"Okonomiyaki moron!"  
  
"Chinese bimbo!"  
  
"Spatula slut!"  
  
"Purple haired, aqua-feline, poorly spoken, drugged food  
loving mafia call girl *BITCH*," Ukyou countered, letting each  
word slam on Shampoo like a depleted uranium spatula.  
  
Shampoo went to Defcon 2, boiling in silent rage. The  
customers quietly filed out of the restaurant, on an unspoken but  
mutual fear for mortal life.  
  
"Stupid girl," Shampoo countered, unable to come up with  
anything more insulting in Japanese. Ukyou basked in silent  
victory.  
  
"Let's go," Ryouga said, breaking the silence.  
  
"But--"  
  
"Let's GO!" Ryouga insisted, dragging Ukyou out of there.  
  
Shampoo grumbled, watching them go, and went back to work.   
So much business to take care of, so little time. Her life was  
her work, after all.  
  
*  
  
"So she thought that you could slip back to how you remember  
things?" Ukyou summarized.  
  
"Exactly. I hoped it would be there, but I guess it  
wasn't... how could a time slip be wherever I was wandering  
around last week and in a restaurant?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Maybe it's not a one place thing," Ukyou suggested. "Or  
maybe you're carrying a portable hole around with you."  
  
"This isn't a cartoon, it's reality," Ryouga said.  
  
"So you're going to go out and look for whatever it was that  
put you here?" Ukyou asked.  
  
"I have to," Ryouga said. "I need to go back to where I  
belong. Where I fit in, where Akane and Ranma still hate each  
other, where you're employed and where Shampoo hasn't turned into  
a cutthroat business opportunity."  
  
"But would I get my Ryouga-kun back?" Ukyou asked. "Or  
would you just vanish forever, never to return?"  
  
"I don't know," Ryouga said.  
  
"I wish you didn't have to go," Ukyou said. "If what you're  
saying is right, you don't have anybody where you're from.   
You've got someone in the here and now. Why fight it?"  
  
"It's... not right. It's not really me," Ryouga said. "I  
have to go. Sorry... Ucchan."  
  
Ukyou sniffled, and reached out to hug him. Ryouga was  
squeezed like a toothpaste tube by the affectionate cook.  
  
"Okay," Ukyou said. "Wherever you end up... take care,  
okay?"  
  
"I will," Ryouga said, as she vanished into thin air.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga had to have time slipped again. It was the only way  
Ukyou could disappear, replaced by a family of five that was very  
surprised to see him in the apartment they had owned for years.  
  
He walked the street, heading back to Nekohanten, hoping  
that Cologne wasn't dead in this time and place. How could he  
have changed worlds standing still? From what Cologne had been  
saying, he'd have to physically move through a stationary time  
slip to do anything. Maybe it wasn't a time slip at all.  
  
Ryouga almost passed completely by Ranma-chan before  
stopping and noticing.  
  
"Ranma?" he asked. The pig tailed girl turned around,  
surprised.  
  
"Ryouga?" she asked. "Hey, I haven't seen you around in  
weeks! Where've you been?"  
  
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Ryouga said.   
"Wait. Why are you wearing a dress? You look like a girl."  
  
"I am a girl," she said. "Isn't it obvious?"  
  
Ryouga felt a bit of incoming doom, but waved it away in  
favor of curiosity. "Ranma, quick. Is anybody you know married  
to anybody else?"  
  
"Of course not," Ranma-chan said.  
  
"Oh, good," Ryouga noted. Maybe he had slipped back into  
the right time.  
  
"Other than me and Kunou-sempai, that is," Ranma-chan  
giggled, showing her ring.  
  
"WHAT?!" Ryouga exclaimed. "But you... he... both..."  
  
"What about us?" Ranma-chan said.  
  
"Ranma!" Akane called, dashing in from around the corner.   
"There you are. I've been looking for you all over the place.   
You shouldn't run off like that."  
  
"Fooey, I was just going shopping," Ranma-chan said. "I  
need a new spring wardrobe."  
  
"Sasuke and the others have been worried sick. Come on,  
let's get hom... Ryouga?"  
  
"Akane, can we talk?" Ryouga asked. "It's important. VERY  
important."  
  
"Well... I do need to get back to the Kunou Mansion..."  
Akane said.  
  
"Please," Ryouga implored.  
  
"I guess Sasuke can handle getting Ranma back there,  
though," Akane added. "Okay. Ranma, you head around the corner,  
Sasuke's in the store there. He'll take you shopping."  
  
"Yay!" Ranma-chan cheered, jumping for joy and dashing  
around the building, visions of new dresses floating through her  
mind.  
  
*  
  
"I don't think it is a time slip," Ryouga said, skipping  
another stone across the river (13 skips and embedded itself in  
the building across the water). "Last time things changed, I  
wasn't moving. Something about ME is making me jump from one  
twisted version of the universe to another. How do you explain  
RANMA marrying another man?"  
  
"It was my fault," Akane said. "I hit him too hard awhile  
back, and he hit his head on a rock and started thinking he was a  
girl again. While I was looking around for another thing to hit  
him with to bring him back to normal, he... she, she's a she  
now... ran off."  
  
Akane sat down on a rock next to Ryouga. "I looked all over  
Tokyo for a week for her, worried sick. I mean, sure, we argued  
a lot, but I didn't want to see her hurt while she was ultra-  
feminine and defenseless. Next thing I know, I get a wedding  
invitation. Seems she wandered into Kuno Mansion and got the  
pantyhose charmed off herself.  
  
"I tried to talk her out of it or hit her with something,  
but she was intent on marrying Kunou. Kunou gathered up a few  
people and had quiet ceremony, much to Mr. Saotome's dismay, and  
Mr. Saotome officially disowned Ranma. I considered changing her  
back with another blow to the head, but I figured HE might be so  
ashamed of what happened that he'd do something rash. So I'm  
working at the mansion to make sure nothing happens to her."  
  
"It must be awful," Ryouga nodded, skipping another stone.   
Of course, this meant that Akane wasn't technically... no.   
Ryouga put that thought out of his head. He wanted to get back  
to HIS Akane, not a shadow one in a twisted world.  
  
"It's okay, I guess," Akane said. "Just strange. It's hard  
to have the man you love be female and married."  
  
"Love?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"I didn't want to admit it before, but it's true," Akane  
said. "All this mess has brought that to the surface. Now I'm  
his keeper of sorts. If he ever were to change back into his  
right mind, there's no telling what would happen."  
  
"Every world I end up in, something has gone horribly  
wrong," Ryouga said. "First Ranma's life was a living hell and  
you were dead. Then Ukyou was living in poverty, deprived of her  
only joy in life, cooking. Now this, you separated from Ranma by  
gender and wedlock. I'm getting sick of it, everywhere I end up  
coated in despair. It's too much like my normal life. I  
wouldn't wish that on anybody else."  
  
Ryouga stood up. "First, I'm fixing this world. Setting it  
RIGHT. Then I'm going to figure out how to go back home, once  
and for all. Come on, Akane."  
  
"Huh? Where are we going?" Akane asked, standing up.  
  
"Kunou Mansion," Ryouga said, pulling out his umbrella.  
  
*  
  
"We can't get her out," Akane said, peeking over the wall  
that surrounded the mansion. "Kunou keeps tight security on the  
mansion in case Ranma comes by and tries to 'enslave' her again.   
She was very, very lucky to find the one security hole that  
existed so she could sneak out today."  
  
"I wasn't planning on sneaking her out," Ryouga said. "I  
figured full frontal assault would do nicely."  
  
"Won't that attract attention?"  
  
"Of course. I haven't properly pounded anybody in awhile,"  
Ryouga said. "I think the time is right."  
  
"Kunou will come chasing after us, you know," Akane said.   
"He's obsessed with his 'pig-tailed girl'. He panicked and sent  
me, Sasuke, and most of the staff out to find her this morning.   
He'll hunt us down to the end of time..."  
  
"I may have a way around that," Ryouga said. "I'm still  
deciding on the exact details, though. You stay here, I wouldn't  
want you to be hurt."  
  
"Hey, I can take care of myself," Akane said. "Even if I  
have been playing maid for the last few months, I can still  
fight."  
  
"I know, but I don't want to take any chances," Ryouga said.  
  
"I've got to go in with you. My Ranma's in there. Besides,  
how do you plan on stopping me?" Akane asked as Ryouga tied her  
wrist to a nearby lamppost with a bandanna.  
  
"Forgive me," he said. "I'll be right back."  
  
"Hey! No fair!" Akane yelled after him, as he bounded over  
the wall and was inside. She tried a tug at the lamppost, but  
these were Ryouga's special bandannas; hard as steel when you  
want them to be, infinite in supply.  
  
He better know what he's doing, Akane thought, slumping  
against the lamppost.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga was through the third wave of Kunou family bodyguards  
and closing fast, punching through wall after wall in his  
straight-line path to the bedrooms.  
  
Strange, he thought. Why is it that lately I've been either  
lost in time but crystal clear with my sense of direction? He  
had managed to enter the mansion (through concrete) and head  
right for the stairs without any exploration in cellars and  
bathrooms.  
  
He filed this thought away for another time, bounding up the  
stairs two at a time. He looked for the largest door, figuring  
it'd be Kunou's personal bedroom, and flung it open.  
  
"RANMA!" he called. "Where are you?"  
  
"Who's Ranma?" Ranma-chan asked, examining herself in a  
mirror, frilly dress floating along. "Ryouga-sempai, what do you  
think? Too plain?"  
  
"We've got to get out of here," Ryouga said, approaching the  
girl. "Come on."  
  
"Hey, no way!" Ranma-chan said. "I'm staying right here  
with my dear Kunou-sempai. Right, honey?"  
  
A wooden sword split the air between Ryouga and Ranma-chan.   
Ryouga turned, face to face with an Enraged(tm) Tatewaki Kunou.  
  
"Not only have you created several sizeable holes in my  
abode," Kunou said, "But you DARE to enter my private sanctum  
without my express permission. Defend yourself, Ryouga Hibiki!"  
  
Ryouga considered giving Kunou the thrashing he so richly  
deserved for taking advantage of Ranma when he was too out of it  
to put up a fight, but a maimed Kunou would ruin his escape plan.   
He drew his umbrella, readying it for a fight... then grabbed  
Ranma-chan around the waist and ran.  
  
"Eeep!" Ranma-chan eeped, scooped up easily by Ryouga.   
Kunou's quick reaction time had him hot on Ryouga's heels, but  
not fast enough to block the door.  
  
Ryouga ignored the weak slaps Ranma-chan was laying on him  
and looked for the largest chunk of wall. Spotting one at the  
bottom of the second floor balcony, he flipped the umbrella open  
and jumped, grabbing Ranma-chan tight as they floated to the  
floor.  
  
"Leggo!" Ranma-chan demanded. "Kunou-sempai! Help!"  
  
Ryouga pulled off one of his bandannas, and reached over to  
rip part of Ranma-chan's dress off. He managed to get a  
satisfactory amount torn away, and charged the wall.  
  
"HENTAI!" Ranma-chan declared, trying to wiggle free.  
  
"EXPLODING POINT TECHNIQUE!!!!" Ryouga shouted, plowing  
through the wall.  
  
Kunou, having just gotten down the stairs, saw the explosion  
and the rubble setting on his nice mosaic flooring. He ran over  
to the hole, looking for his pig-tailed goddess.  
  
She was gone. Ryouga was gone. No sounds were made other  
than the dust settling to the ground.  
  
Kunou quickly sifted through the rubble, fearing that they  
might have been trapped under it, and found nothing but a few  
scraps of cloth from both of them.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga bounced over the wall, Ranma-chan tucked neatly under  
an arm, tied up in bandannas to keep her from escaping or  
alerting the guards.  
  
"Mission accomplished," he said to Akane, depositing Ranma-  
chan on the sidewalk and walking over to untie Akane from the  
lamppost. "Kunou will probably be dense enough to assume she  
died in the explosion, and nobody will come looking for you two."  
  
"Great!" Akane said, pulling out a large hammer and WHACKing  
Ryouga across the face with it, sending him sprawling. "That's  
for tying me to the pole. How's Ranma doing?"  
  
"Ack... okay," Ryouga said, rubbing his cheek and trying to  
reorient his balance. "How do you plan on getting him back to  
normal? Hot water?"  
  
"Doesn't work," Akane said. "I tried last time. Then he  
was a girl trapped in a boy's body. He needs a few good blows to  
the head to get fully back to normal. We'd better get somewhere  
safe first."  
  
*  
  
Ryouga peeked around the clearing, and motioned for Akane to  
follow. She walked through a gap in the trees, Ranma-chan  
squirming and thrown over her shoulder.  
  
"I think this'll make a good campsite," Ryouga said. "We're  
behind the school, but the forest is thick enough to ensure  
nobody'll come looking. I wouldn't suggest staying here more  
than a few days, though. Kunou MIGHT wise up."  
  
"Unlikely," Akane said. "Okay, it's time. You have the hot  
water?"  
  
"Ready," Ryouga said, unscrewing a thermos he had prepared  
earlier. "Do it."  
  
Akane pulled out a large mallet from thin air, took a few  
practice swings, and brought it down squarely on the top of  
Ranma-chan's head. Ryouga splashed the hot water on Ranma,  
shifting him back into a boy (albeit a boy in a tattered dress.)  
  
"Rrggh," Ranma groaned. "What happened? I feel all  
woozy..."  
  
"Will he be alright?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Probably," Akane said. "I'll stick by him and try to  
explain what happened. I hope he'll be okay, once he gets over  
the initial shock and disgust. Should I tell him about what he  
did with Kunou?"  
  
"Marrying him? The truth is the best policy."  
  
"No, the OTHER stuff," Akane said. "Every night.   
Practically every other hour at times, I was beginning to think  
that Ranma was in heat..."  
  
Ryouga went pale. "Umm... no. I don't think ANY guy would  
want to hear that. Lies are good to. Yes, very good."  
  
"What are you two talking about?" Ranma asked. "And...  
AIEEE! WHY am I wearing a DRESS?!"  
  
"Yeah, he's normal," Ryouga said. "It's been fun, Akane,  
but I think I'd better--"  
  
"Better what?" a girl in a blue dress asked, looking up from  
her plan.  
  
Ryouga glanced around. "Looks like I shifted again."  
  
"What're you talking about?" she asked. "Come on, what's  
the plan again."  
  
"Err, what plan?"  
  
"You know, the plan where I use my manipulative little brain  
to get you Akane," she repeated, smoothing out a diagram she had  
laid on the muddy campsite ground. "Daydreaming again?"  
  
"Sort of. And you are?"  
  
"Now THAT'S a deep daydream," she smiled. "Charlotte,  
remember?"  
  
"I could use some ramen," Ryouga said. "I really could use  
some... Nekohanten is still standing, right? There wasn't a fire  
or a volcano or a nuclear bomb or anything?"  
  
"As far as I know, yeah," Charlotte said.  
  
"And Cologne is alive?"  
  
"Of course she is. I don't think she'll be a problem in  
your plan, though. Really, the only factors we need to worry  
about are Ranma, Nabiki, Victor and Kunou..."  
  
"You can explain it to me on the way there," Ryouga said,  
rolling up the sheet. "Come on."  
  
"Whoa, what about--"  
  
"No time!"  
  
*  
  
Ryouga rounded the corner, mental map glowing. He could  
actually find his way... this was amazing. Why could he find his  
way around now?  
  
"Slow down, Ryouga!" Charlotte begged, trying to keep up.   
"These shoes weren't exactly made for running."  
  
"Sorry," Ryouga said, slowing down. "And you say that you  
were working on a plan to get me and Akane together?"  
  
"That's the idea. You still want that, right? I mean, you  
hadn't shown any other indication..."  
  
"No, sounds fine," Ryouga said. Didn't actually matter,  
thought to himself. I'll be out of this world in a few hours, if  
current events were any indication. Hope this girl doesn't mind  
that I'm ignoring her.  
  
"Why're you ignoring me?" she asked. "I mean, you asked a  
few questions about the plan and all, but you seem SERIOUSLY  
distracted. Is something wrong?"  
  
"Very wrong," Ryouga said. "I could tell you, but I don't  
think you'd like to hear it."  
  
"Try me."  
  
"Okay. I don't belong here, I don't remember you, and if I  
don't get some help soon I'll be wandering around the lives of  
other Ryougas for the rest of my days."  
  
"Wow. Kind of like Groundhog Day in reverse, only not  
really," Charlotte said. "Cool."  
  
"You believe me?" Ryouga asked, slowing to a near stop in  
surprise.  
  
"Of course. From what you, or at least someone resembling  
you have been telling me, wacky stuff like that happens all the  
time around here," Charlotte said. "I gave up denying any of  
this magical mayhem was happening long ago. It's much more fun  
and relaxing if you just accept the Twilight Zone that is Nerima  
and coast. So you're wandering through life?"  
  
"Exactly," Ryouga said. "Every few hours, everything around  
me changes and suddenly people are acting differently. You're  
the first person I've bumped into so far that hasn't been in the  
other places, though."  
  
"I know you get lost, but getting lost in space and time is  
silly," Charlotte said. "Silly, but not impossible. So you want  
to check with Cologne, right?"  
  
"Exactly again. She started to explain what was going on,  
but then I shifted to a time and place where she was dead. Since  
she's alive here, she could be able to help."  
  
*  
  
"I get the feeling you've repeated this story many times,  
Ryouga," Cologne said. "You have that far-off look of  
memorization when you say it."  
  
"Can you help?" Ryouga asked. "If I have to walk through  
these demented incarnations of my reality any longer, I think  
I'll go nuts."  
  
"Sounds like it could be fun to me," Charlotte said,  
slurping up some more noodles of her complementary ramen order.   
"I'd get to see what I could have done if other stuff had  
changed. Infinitely observing. Cool."  
  
"Your aura is VERY maligned," Cologne said. "It is hard to  
tell an individual alignment, but your friend here provides a  
good comparison tool."  
  
"I'm very karmatic," Charlotte said. "Good noodles, by the  
way."  
  
"So what's screwing me up?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"From what I can see, the damage has been done over a course  
of many, many years," Cologne said. "Perpetuated voluntarily."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You're letting it happen," Cologne simplified. "I think  
that the disturbance is being caused by... THAT."  
  
She pointed her staff at Ryouga's forehead.  
  
"His skull?" Charlotte guessed.  
  
"No. The bandanna. Tell me, boy, where did you get that  
bandanna?"  
  
"This?" Ryouga asked, pulling it off. "It was a gift from  
my grandfather. He said it had been in the family for years. It  
makes us what we are, Hibikis."  
  
"Makes you lose your sense of direction is more like it,"  
Cologne said. "What you think to be a simple bit of cloth is  
actually enchanted. It would be hard to identify it as magical  
unless you specifically examined it... why are you wearing two of  
them?"  
  
"That always happens," Ryouga said, discarding the bandanna  
in his hand. "You pull one off, there's another under it.   
They're pretty useful that way."  
  
"Have you been able to find your way lately?"  
  
"Actually, yes. Quite well."  
  
"There lies the problem," Cologne said. "Before, your  
family curse embedded in the bandanna has kept you merely lost in  
space. Somehow the prolonged wear has transferred its power from  
being lost in space to being lost in reality, moving you through  
alternate worlds you were never meant to be in instead of making  
you lose track of your spatial location."  
  
"So what caused it to change?" Charlotte asked. "From 'I'm  
lost' to 'I'm in the wrong universe', I mean."  
  
"Perhaps the extended time during which he wore it," Cologne  
said. "How long did your grandfather have it?"  
  
"Just a few years," Ryouga said.  
  
"If you were to simply remove the bandanna, it would likely  
stop this problem of the world changing around you," Cologne  
said.  
  
"That's easy!" Ryouga said, pulling it off. "There."  
  
"And that one," Cologne said, pointing to the fresh yellow  
strip of fabric on his head.  
  
Ryouga pulled off the second bandanna.  
  
"You're still wearing it," Charlotte noted, pointing with  
her spoon.  
  
Ryouga ripped the cloth from his head, felt up there for the  
new one, and pulled it off too. He ripped out bandanna after  
bandanna, over and over again until the room was shin-deep in  
yellow and black.  
  
"This could be harder than I imagined," Cologne muttered.  
  
"What'll happen if he can't get the bandanna off his head?"  
Charlotte asked, pausing in her dinner.  
  
"The time between jumps will get shorter and shorter,"  
Cologne theorized. "Each jump will land him somewhere stranger,  
where more people are acting out of sorts. Eventually it will  
become a total blur of events, people and places, until he's  
trapped in limbo. But that's not the bad part."  
  
"There's a bad part?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"If he leaps into a world where he's dead, he will be,"  
Cologne said.  
  
*  
  
"Ryouga. Earth to Ryouga!" Charlotte yelled in his ear,  
slowing her pace to let him catch up.  
  
"WHA-- oh. Yeah?" he asked, derailing his train of thought.  
  
"You seem preoccupied," she said. "Ever since we left  
Nekohanten you've been in a little world all your own."  
  
"Don't remind me," Ryouga groaned.  
  
"Not that. You know what I mean. Look, from what you've  
said, this particular world is nearly identical to the one you  
left originally. If you can get that bandanna off before you  
jump again, you'll essentially be back to normal."  
  
"Nobody's married here?"  
  
"Nobody."  
  
"Nobody's dead?"  
  
"Nobody. Well, everybody wishes Happosai was dead, but  
that's besides the point. The only changes are adding me,  
Buford, and Victor."  
  
"Who's Buford and Victor?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"You haven't met them yet. Well, you have, but you haven't.   
You know what I mean. Anyway, if we can get you locked here, you  
should be fine."  
  
"How? HOW can I take it off?" Ryouga asked, pulling three  
or four bandannas off his head in frustration and sending them  
flying. A few trees fell. "I've had it on for years. It was a  
gift from my grandfather, who got it from my sister, who got it  
from dad, who got it from great grandmother, and so on. It gets  
passed around a lot. THEY didn't seem to have any trouble taking  
it off."  
  
"Of course!" Charlotte said. "I've got it. How you can  
remove it for good. It's very simple, the gift that keeps on  
giving in a way..."  
  
"So what is it?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"And STAY OUT!" Ukyou shouted, sending a hailstorm of  
spatulas across the road ahead of Ryouga. The student in the  
cheap mask screamed and ran, half-carrying half-dragging his  
unconscious classmate with him.  
  
"I forgot this road led to Ucchan's," Ryouga said. "You  
might have eaten, but I'm still hungry. Let's stop inside and  
you can explain how to re..."  
  
Ryouga turned around, looking for Charlotte. Gone. Slipped  
away.  
  
"Hi there, Ryouga," Ukyou waved. "Just dealing with a few  
of the local animals. Interested in a meal?"  
  
"Ukyou, I'd like to ask you some questions, and promise me  
you won't ask why," Ryouga said, returning his attention to the  
here and now. "Is Ranma still engaged to Akane?"  
  
"Huh? Of course."  
  
"Mousse still is chasing Shampoo ineffectually?"  
  
"Yup. Poor guy."  
  
"NOBODY is married?"  
  
"Umm... well, married people do exist, but nobody I know,  
no."  
  
"Nobody's dead?"  
  
"No. Ryouga, what--"  
  
"You promised," Ryouga said. "Looks like I made it where I  
was supposed to go, even though I'll probably get zapped away  
soon. Great. Just what I needed. Ukyou, do me a favor. If I  
don't come back, tell Akane I'll miss her."  
  
"What're you talking about?" Ukyou asked.  
  
"My curse," Ryouga said. "I don't think I can fight it. I  
came close, but there's no way I'm gonna get this stupid family  
heirloom off my head..."  
  
"I don't see any heirlooms on your head," Ukyou noted.  
  
"THIS!" Ryouga said, pulling off a bandanna. "I can't take  
it off. My grandfather must have really hated me to give this  
blasted thing to me."  
  
"So give it back," Ukyou suggested.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, if you don't like it, just stamp it return to sender  
and give it back."  
  
"Of course!" Ryouga exclaimed. "THAT'S what Charlotte  
meant! Why didn't I think of this before?"  
  
"Think of what?"  
  
"No time to explain," Ryouga said, turning around and  
running, straight and true like an arrow for a building he knew  
very, very well.  
  
*  
  
The HOUSE, Ryouga thought. I could remember where home was.  
  
He always knew it was somewhere between Asia and the  
Americas, but nothing beyond that. With the bandanna clouding  
his sense of reality instead of location, he could clearly  
remember where it was.  
  
It was on the other side of Tokyo and he never knew it.  
  
Heh. Kind of ironic, in a way. No wonder his dog was able  
to find him; he didn't have that far to go. The rest of his  
family had a natural problem with directions, but Ryouga's stupid  
bandanna gave it to him in spades, given to him as a GIFT of all  
things.  
  
Why did the Hibiki family pass this thing down? Was there  
some sort of meaning behind it, a kind of 'It's A Wonderful Life'  
deal where you could see what might have been? Or were they just  
playing pass-the-buck to avoid its problems?  
  
Either way, he knew how to ditch the thing now. He took the  
key that was hidden under the stone dwarf on his lawn, and opened  
the door, pushing aside months of dust.  
  
"Anybody home!?" he called into the darkness. The  
electrical company had shut off the power, getting no bills  
back... nobody was left in the Hibiki household. All of them  
lost.  
  
This wasn't fair! Now he knew what to do, and was in the  
correct version of his world, and because everybody was busy  
wandering the countryside, he'd be doomed to a life of eternal  
roaming.  
  
"Argh..." he wailed aloud, flopping down on a nearby sofa  
(kicking up a hurricane of dust in the process.)  
  
He didn't have a choice now. He decided to stay put and  
enjoy his last days in his own home, away from anybody that might  
change around him. Eventually, when he hit the dead end of a  
world where he was dead, he'd accept it. There was nothing else  
that could be done.  
  
"Rowr?" a voice near his ankle emitted. Ryouga peered over  
the edge of the couch.  
  
His dog trotted up, and licked Ryogua's face. Ryouga reeled  
back in disgust of dog drool and caked-on couch lint.  
  
"Hi, boy," he said, scratching behind the dog's ears. "At  
least I've got you to comfort me in my last days. My family may  
be gone, but you're here."  
  
"Rff," the dog offered, happy to see Ryouga again.  
  
"Just like a member of the family, actually," Ryouga noted.   
Hmmm. He felt along his forehead, for the cloth.  
  
"You want this, boy?" Ryouga asked, pointing to the  
bandanna. The dog cocked his head and peered at it curiously.  
  
Ryouga reached up and gripped the cloth, getting ready. If  
this didn't work... it would at least be worth a try.  
  
"I hereby give the Hibiki family bandanna to you," he said,  
pulling it off his head, the feeling of cloth ripping off his  
skin much like masking tape off a hairy surface. "Enjoy. You'll  
be able to give it to one of your puppies in the future and pass  
it down, just as it was passed to me."  
  
He took the circle of cloth and placed it over the dog's  
head, tying it on. The dog seemed quite happy with itself,  
having earned such a high honor.  
  
Ryouga experimentally poked around his head, feeling where  
the bandanna had been. The skin was sensitive, having never seen  
light or air in years.  
  
At least it was gone, he thought. And the canine branch of  
the Hibiki family was going to have quite a fun time with it.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga walked along a typical Nerima street, using his  
umbrella to shield the light from his forehead. He'd have to see  
Doctor Tofu about getting some skin treatment for his poor scalp,  
before it sunburned too badly. Preferably while Kasumi wasn't  
paying a visit.  
  
Ranma ran by him, Kunou in hot pursuit. Ryouga paused in  
his walk to observe the fight.  
  
"I shall smite the and rescue the pig-tailed one, whom you  
have unjustly enslaved!" Kunou preached, as usual.  
  
"You are DENSE, Kunou. DENSE," Ranma declared, easily  
dodging bokken slashes left and right, as usual.  
  
"Hello, Ranma," Ryouga waved. "Nice day, isn't it?"  
  
"Nice day!?" Ranma asked, trying to converse from inside the  
fight. "Kunou's trying to kill me and it's a NICE DAY!?"  
  
"Very nice. Everything's normal," Ryouga said. "I'm off to  
the doctor's. Have fun."  
  
"YOU don't sound normal," Ranma said, launching a quick kick  
to Kunou's jaw, sending him backwards.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll be by the dojo tomorrow to break you,"  
Ryouga said. "Just not right now."  
  
Yup, everything was normal again. Ryouga resumed his walk,  
ignoring the two and continuing along his way.  
  
  
.---.  
|THE|  
|END|  
`---'  
  
AUTHOR'S POSTSCRIPT  
  
Not much of a postscript, since I did most of what's  
involved in the foreword. Who am I to buck tradition, though?  
  
I don't think this story exceeds March of the Pigs, mostly  
because this one is BIZARRE. However, it's the first Ranma story  
concept since MotP which has flowed naturally, so I went with it.   
Commentary / response is always welcome at the e-mail address  
mentioned above.  
  
For anybody who hasn't read MotP, Charlotte is a character  
out of it. I threw her into this story because MotP was a legit  
Ranma alternate.world, and would conceivably enable Ryouga to  
wander into it. None of the others were based on other  
fanfiction, though; just pairings, consequences and weird  
situations I thought up on my own, except for Mousse/Ukyou, which  
I recall reading before. (There are only so many permutations of  
Ranma Cast Relationships available, folks.)  
  
Since I've only read the translations, some characters were  
outta whack (Ryouga's background with the bandanna may conflict  
badly, for instance) but they were needed to keep the story  
going. Logically, they could be explained by Ryouga's leaps,  
which took him into places where the characters were not what  
they were supposed to be.  
  
I hope the story worked; hope you enjoyed it. Until next  
time, you can lead a horse to water, but Ryouga must be led.  
  
-- Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (twoflowr@pixelscapes.com)  
 


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